Is My Spouse an Alcoholic? Signs, Help & Next Steps

If you’re asking yourself, “Is my spouse an alcoholic?”, you’re not alone. Many spouses see gradual changes, more frequent drinking, irritability, secrecy, long before they realize it’s become a serious problem. Alcohol addiction rarely looks like the stereotypes seen on TV. It can develop quietly, even in people who appear to function normally at work or at home. Understanding the signs of alcohol use disorder (AUD) can help you decide when and how to step in with compassion and professional support.

Although living with someone who abuses alcohol can be hard at times, it is essential to be compassionate and empathetic toward those struggling rather than judging them.

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a complex medical illness that can happen to anyone. It is not a case of weak willpower or failure; it is a diagnosable disease that requires professional treatment. The more stigma and shame associated, the more someone will try to deny their problem and delay getting the help they need.

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If you are worried that your spouse has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, you may have several questions. In this blog, we share how to spot a drinking problem and the help available.

A loved one's substance abuse problems can impact your mental health, but you do not need to go through it alone. Contact us today for support and guidance.

Social Drinking vs. Problem Drinking

Across the United States, drinking alcohol is socially accepted and normalized, making it even more challenging to spot when someone's social drinking has turned into problem drinking.

Moderate drinking is classed as one glass of alcohol per day for women and two glasses for men. This is the recommended limit to minimize the problems related to alcohol abuse, such as violence, risky behaviors, drunk driving, high blood pressure, and certain cancers. However, problem drinking causes one or two drinks a day to turn into three or four. From here, alcohol tolerance can develop.

If you are worried about your spouse's drinking, there are certain things you can look out for, such as:

• Frequent heavy drinking
• Binge drinking
• Using alcohol when stressed, anxious, or feeling low
• Attending work while drunk
• Frequently drinking to get drunk
• Lying about drinking habits
• Regularly making lots of small mistakes
• Withdrawing from social responsibility
• Mood swings
• Tiredness
• Paranoia
• Neglecting their appearance or personal hygiene
• Seeming distracted and far away
• Secrecy
• Appearing overly defensive
• Drunk driving

If your spouse has an alcohol use disorder, they may also try to disguise the extent of their drinking, and he may seem irritable if he does not drink.

Signs Your Spouse’s Drinking May Be a Problem

Recognizing the difference between casual drinking and an alcohol use disorder can be difficult. These warning signs can help you determine whether your spouse’s drinking habits are escalating: 

• Hiding alcohol bottles or underreporting consumption 

• Drinking alone or first thing in the morning  

• Irritability, defensiveness, or mood swings when questioned about drinking  

• Neglecting responsibilities or personal hygiene  

• Driving or operating machinery after drinking  

• Unexplained financial issues related to alcohol spending  

• Withdrawal symptoms like tremors, sweating, or anxiety when not drinking  

• Saying they will “cut back” but quickly returning to old habits  

If several of these signs sound familiar, your spouse may be developing an alcohol use disorder and professional assessment is recommended. 

What Are the Warning Signs of AUD?

Alcohol use disorder is the medical term used to diagnose a drinking problem. Medical professionals will often divide an alcohol use disorder into the following categories:

• Mild
• Moderate
• Severe

At the lower end of the scale are those who engage in heavy drinking and use alcohol unsafely but can stop drinking when they want to. However, at the other end of the scale are those who suffer from a severe alcohol use disorder or alcohol addiction.

Despite the negative health consequences, those with a severe alcohol use disorder are physically and psychologically unable to quit drinking.

Spotting the extent of your spouse's alcohol use disorder can be very difficult as they may go to great lengths to conceal their problem drinking habits. He may hide bottles of alcohol around the house, make up elaborate lies to cover their behaviors, or even try to gaslight you.

Over time, your spouse's behavior may change, causing them to seem more agitated, overreactive, low, or stressed. Your partner may also become withdrawn and avoidant and cancel events or miss appointments.

Get help: Drug Rehab Santa Ana

Quick Self-Check: The CAGE Screening

A simple tool often used by healthcare professionals is the CAGE questionnaire, named after four key questions: 

• Have you ever felt you should Cut down on your drinking? 
   

• Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking? 
   

• Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking? 
   

• Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady nerves or relieve a hangover? 
   

Two or more “yes” answers suggest the need for professional evaluation. While not a diagnosis, this tool helps identify potential alcohol dependence early. 

Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms

If your spouse has an alcohol use disorder, you may notice that they experiences some physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms when they cannot drink alcohol. These symptoms usually arise because of how alcohol interacts with the central nervous system.

Although different for everyone, alcohol withdrawal symptoms include:

• Excessive sweating
• Night sweats
• Agitation
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Headaches
• Vomiting and nausea
• Trembling
• Sleeping problems

Some of the more severe symptoms of alcohol withdrawal are:

• Seizures
• Hallucinations
• Delirium tremens (DTs)

Delirium tremens can be fatal. Some symptoms include delirium, confusion, seizures, tremors, high blood pressure, vomiting, and severe night sweats. If your spouse is experiencing these symptoms, contact a medical professional immediately.

Sadly, alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs to quit. Due to the withdrawal symptoms that can surface, those with an alcohol addiction should never attempt it alone.

Important: Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous and sometimes life-threatening. If your spouse experiences confusion, hallucinations, seizures, or rapid heart rate, seek medical care immediately. Never attempt to detox at home. Medical programs provide 24/7 monitoring and safe symptom management.

How Can Alcohol Abuse Affect Other Family Members?

Though your spouse's alcohol addiction will have an undeniable impact on their health and well-being, thier drinking will also likely impact other family members.

For example, other family members who live with you might feel worried about your spouse, and they may also feel unsafe around them. Your spouse's drinking can also have a tremendous impact on children.

Children who live with a parent who has an alcohol addiction can suffer from impaired mental health. They may also begin to distrust others, leading to relationship issues in adulthood. Children may also feel guilty as they might believe that your spouse's drinking problem is their fault.

The Emotional Toll on Spouses

Living with an alcoholic spouse often leads to chronic stress, frustration, and emotional burnout. You may find yourself making excuses for their behavior, covering up problems, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. Over time, this pattern can create codependency, where your emotional stability depends on their behavior. Recognizing this is the first step in protecting your own mental health. 

How Alcoholism Affects Children

Children are especially vulnerable to the unpredictability that accompanies a parent’s drinking. They may internalize guilt, experience anxiety, or develop trust issues that carry into adulthood. Family therapy and support groups designed for children of alcoholics can help them build resilience and understand that their parent’s drinking is not their fault. 

When Loved Ones Need to Step In

When someone struggles with substance abuse or resists treatment, a professional intervention can be a critical first step toward recovery not just for the individual, but for their entire support network. Traditionally focused solely on the person suffering, interventions now take a more holistic, family-centered approach, recognizing that addiction impacts everyone involved. Family and friends often experience betrayal, resentment, and emotional exhaustion, yet their support plays a vital role in long-term recovery. Addiction frequently isolates individuals, making compassion, empathy, and healthy boundaries essential to successful intervention. A skilled interventionist facilitates open communication, educates the family, and helps guide all parties through the process step-by-step. Even if treatment isn’t accepted immediately, ongoing support can lead to eventual engagement. Interventions are not one-time events but transformative processes that lay the foundation for healing, hope, and lasting change.

Healthy Boundaries for Families: 

• Don’t enable the behavior - avoid calling in sick for your spouse or supplying alcohol.  

• Don’t argue when they are intoxicated; wait until they are sober.  

• Set clear limits and consequences if their drinking endangers the family.  

• Encourage treatment but remember you cannot force readiness. Support without rescuing.  

Joining a support group like Al-Anon can help you maintain emotional balance and connect with others in similar situations. 

How to Talk to Your Spouse About Their Drinking

Before bringing up your spouse's alcohol use in conversation, it can be helpful to write down points that you want to address. Remember to frame the discussion with "I" so your partner doesn't feel attacked. For example, you could say, "I am worried about your substance use, and I find it hard to sleep if I don't hear from you."

Don't use derogatory labels, as your partner may become defensive. Instead, try to support your spouse by being empathetic rather than pitying.

It may also be beneficial to offer your spouse options rather than telling them what to do when it comes to treatment. This may even make your partner more likely to seek treatment. If you research treatment options before the conversation, it will take the labor off your partner and may see them more inclined to explore addiction treatment options further.

In addition to the above, make sure to give yourself time, self-love, and support. It can be easy to neglect yourself as you try to help your spouse, but taking care of yourself will make it much easier to support your partner.

Reaching out to a family member you trust, a friend, or a therapist will help you feel less alone and allow you to set healthy boundaries if needed.

Sample Conversation Script: 

1. Start calmly: “I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more lately, and I’m worried.”  

2. Use “I” statements: “I feel anxious when you drive after drinking.”  

3. Offer support: “I found a program that can help; would you look into it with me?”  

4. Avoid blame - keep the tone caring but firm.  

5. Have treatment options ready so your spouse can act when their motivation is high. 

What Is the Best Path My Spouse Can Take To Stop Drinking?

If your spouse is suffering from substance abuse issues, there are many effective addiction treatment options ready for them. Once your spouse has acknowledged a substance abuse problem, they can take the steps needed to recover.

To start treatment, your spouse will need to go through medical detox. It is imperative that they only attempts this under the supervision and guidance of a licensed medical professional.

Medical detox involves tapering off alcohol in a controlled and medically recommended manner to recover from the physical addiction. Upon connecting with an alcohol rehab, such as our own, an individual treatment plan will be implemented to ensure your spouse has the treatment that is right for them.

After detox, your spouse will need to engage in alcohol rehabilitation and put measures in place to ensure a successful long-term recovery.

Inpatient and outpatient treatment facilities are available when it comes to rehabilitation. To take care of their mental health and understand the addiction, your partner will have the support of mental health professionals in therapy sessions.

Individual therapy, group therapy, and family therapy are additional options for you and your partner to engage in self-care and implement healthy coping strategies.

Following treatment, support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) will help your spouse feel connected to others around them. AA will also support your partner in opening up about their substance use and assist them in feeling less isolated.

Conclusion

Being aware of the warning signs and understanding how to have a compassionate and non-judgmental conversation with your spouse will put you in the best position when faced with a partner who is a problem drinker. Make sure to only initiate the conversation if you feel safe, and wait until you think you have enough evidence to make this conclusion.

The best way for your partner to stay sober in the long run is to take advantage of the many treatment options available to help them tackle their addiction. Obtaining support through therapy and support groups will help your spouse understand their addiction and stay on track for recovery.

If you are concerned about your spouse, reach out to us today. In doing so, we can help you understand your partner's drinking and offer you insight into what recovery may look like for them and your family.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. How do I know if my spouse is an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker? 

If your spouse’s drinking affects their health, relationships, or work—but they continue anyway, it may indicate alcohol use disorder (AUD). A medical professional can confirm this diagnosis. 

2. My spouse hides alcohol around the house. What does that mean? 

Hiding bottles or lying about drinking is a red flag for problematic alcohol use. It often signals guilt, denial, or attempts to prevent confrontation about the amount your partner drinks. 

3. What are the first signs of alcoholism in a spouse? 

Early signs can include increased tolerance, mood swings, secrecy, neglecting responsibilities, and drinking to relieve stress. Over time, these may progress to dependency and withdrawal symptoms. 

4. How can I help my alcoholic spouse without enabling them? 

Set healthy boundaries. Avoid covering for their behavior or supplying alcohol. Encourage professional help, such as medical detox or rehab, and seek your own support through groups like Al-Anon or therapy. 

5. Can my spouse quit drinking on their own? 

Quitting without medical help can be dangerous, especially if one drinks heavily. Withdrawal symptoms can be severe or life-threatening. A supervised detox program is the safest option. 

6. What should I do if my spouse refuses help for their drinking problem? 

If your partner is resistant, focus on your own well-being and consider speaking with a professional interventionist or counselor. Sometimes, consistent support and boundaries encourage eventual engagement in treatment. 

7. How does my spouse’s drinking affect our family? 

Alcohol addiction impacts everyone in the household. It can create emotional instability, financial strain, and trust issues—particularly for children. Family therapy can help restore balance and communication. 

8. Where can I get help if my spouse has a drinking problem? 

You can contact Cornerstone of Southern California for confidential advice and treatment options. You can also reach out to national helplines like SAMHSA’s 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for free guidance and referrals.